2011 is officially the worst year of my life.
Period.
That being said, I'll tell you three random things about myself.
There are two kinds of people in this world. One, Fighters-People who'd fight for what they think they deserve and get it anyhow. Two, Quitters-People who let it go. I always thought of myself as a fighter. It's only lately I've realised I'm more of a quitter. As much as I hate to admit that, it's true. I like to escape. I like to run and all my life I've been running away from things that scare me. I know I haven't lived enough to decide that but with the way things are going on I don't think it's going to change. I'm 20 and I still haven't got the courage to take the goddamn bike out of the garage, and it's okay to say I never will. I'm supposed to be out there trying to fix things but I am not. I don't know if I'm okay with that, okay with letting things go. All I know is that I'm scared. Scared of being hurt, I guess.
The other night I woke up with a squeal on the phone in the middle of the night and in midst of the drowsiness and excitement, I figured my friend got proposed and she's engaged now. Ha! That was enough to keep me awake all night. I started to wonder how does it feel like to be committed to someone for the rest of your life. I don't know if I can handle it. Not unless am absolutely like really, really over with my insecurity attacks that I rarely have but are potent enough to ruin everything. I always had this elaborate list of the kind of guy I want [which girl doesn't?]. But in the end, it all boils down whether you can love and be loved back by someone for the rest of your life. I think you need to be very lucky, very deserving to be loved back. I LOVE to love. And quite frankly, I believe I deserve it back. Maybe that's why I'm scared of falling in love. I can't settle with a mediocre relationship. I never will.
I'm never too sure of what I want to do with my life. With just another year for graduation, even if I want to drive that thought off my head, there's someone who's asking me the same thing that I ask myself 2 billion times a minute. All I know is I want to travel. I want to meet lot of different people who'd teach me something new, see a lot of places that are going to make me isolate and day dream and eat a lot of food that'll make me happy.I want to experience new things. I want to be healthy and happy. Not the always giggling sort of happy, but the content and pleased with my life sort of happy. I want to make people around me happy. I want them to remember me with smile. I want to make a difference to atleast a handful of people's lives. And I don't know how to tell people that I don't know how is a graduate certificate going to help me.
Amen.
Period.
That being said, I'll tell you three random things about myself.
There are two kinds of people in this world. One, Fighters-People who'd fight for what they think they deserve and get it anyhow. Two, Quitters-People who let it go. I always thought of myself as a fighter. It's only lately I've realised I'm more of a quitter. As much as I hate to admit that, it's true. I like to escape. I like to run and all my life I've been running away from things that scare me. I know I haven't lived enough to decide that but with the way things are going on I don't think it's going to change. I'm 20 and I still haven't got the courage to take the goddamn bike out of the garage, and it's okay to say I never will. I'm supposed to be out there trying to fix things but I am not. I don't know if I'm okay with that, okay with letting things go. All I know is that I'm scared. Scared of being hurt, I guess.
The other night I woke up with a squeal on the phone in the middle of the night and in midst of the drowsiness and excitement, I figured my friend got proposed and she's engaged now. Ha! That was enough to keep me awake all night. I started to wonder how does it feel like to be committed to someone for the rest of your life. I don't know if I can handle it. Not unless am absolutely like really, really over with my insecurity attacks that I rarely have but are potent enough to ruin everything. I always had this elaborate list of the kind of guy I want [which girl doesn't?]. But in the end, it all boils down whether you can love and be loved back by someone for the rest of your life. I think you need to be very lucky, very deserving to be loved back. I LOVE to love. And quite frankly, I believe I deserve it back. Maybe that's why I'm scared of falling in love. I can't settle with a mediocre relationship. I never will.
I'm never too sure of what I want to do with my life. With just another year for graduation, even if I want to drive that thought off my head, there's someone who's asking me the same thing that I ask myself 2 billion times a minute. All I know is I want to travel. I want to meet lot of different people who'd teach me something new, see a lot of places that are going to make me isolate and day dream and eat a lot of food that'll make me happy.I want to experience new things. I want to be healthy and happy. Not the always giggling sort of happy, but the content and pleased with my life sort of happy. I want to make people around me happy. I want them to remember me with smile. I want to make a difference to atleast a handful of people's lives. And I don't know how to tell people that I don't know how is a graduate certificate going to help me.
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Hee :D